


Two Truths And A Lie

by Hundling



Category: Red vs Blue
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cuddles, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Not a ship fic, Pity Party, Post Season 15, Tucker is not in a shit taking mood, cannon typical swearing, clearly they have some unresolved issues, helmet cam, self hate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-10
Updated: 2018-01-10
Packaged: 2019-03-03 00:50:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13329987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hundling/pseuds/Hundling
Summary: Her all of her friends are dead.Epsilon is gone.She could have done something about it.





	Two Truths And A Lie

**Author's Note:**

> So I had this idea where Carolina watches old helmet cam videos as a self punishment for all of her mistakes, and this was the result.

Her all of her friends are dead. 

Epsilon is gone.

She could have done something about it.

But she didn't.

 

Those were the thoughts filing through her brain as she sat in the small room of the New Republics hospital. 

Main is gone.

York is dead.

It's all her fault. 

She couldn't hear the sound, she had turned it down because she didn't want to wake Wash up. And she couldn't lose him. He was all that was left. 

She blinked as she watched the gun fire into Maine's throat, again and again the gun fired and it wouldn't stop. 

York floating up through the air. She could see his face. She was glad she didn't. She didn't want to see they way he had looked at her. 

Sympathy. That's all she ever found from him. He never found it in her. 

She could see the snow falling away from her quickly, it jolted her back into the feeling, of feeling so alive, of Maine standing over her, no, the Meta, of the pain in her neck, the betrayal, knowing she was about to die-

She should have died that day. Is she had died she wouldn't have dragged them into this. 

She hit replay. Helmet cams were a wonderful thing. 

She watched as every mistake she had made rushed in front of her eyes, no Epsilon to protect her now, no voice telling her that it wasn't her fault, because she knew that it was; she watched as she stood facing Texas, she remembered the pain so clearly, was that how Wash had felt? 

seeing Him again for the first time, 

Meeting the simulation troopers and trying to block out just how stupid they were,

Epsilon returned asking why they had brought him back, 

Epsilon telling her that it was okay,

Her father sitting alone in a chair in front a large screen filled with painful memories, Epsilon by her side,

Epsilon keeping watch for her so that she could sleep peacefully for once in these... 

She didn't know how long it had been. 

Fighting Felix, seeing them again, Wash, Tucker, Sarge, Grif, Simons, Donuts, Lopez, Caboose- 

Oh Caboose. 

Her breath started getting tighter in her chest as she blinked blearily at the screen. She deserved this. 

She watched as the she approached the landing aircraft, as they slowly stumbled out off it, not one of the quite sure what had happened, she felt the jolt of adrenaline when she saw Maine standing there in all of his glory- but it was Tucker. 

Because Maine was dead. And that was her fault too. 

She watched as she congratulated them, as she talked endlessly about how they had one the battle, she didn't have Epsilon in the back of her mind to tell her that they weren't acting like they should have been. That Tucker was never this quiet. That Caboose never followed Tucker behind like a shadow, almost like he was afraid- like something that had been there was gone- and then came the sentence that had cracked everything. 

"Church is gone." 

There was a light increase in beeping next to her and she shut off the video replay displayed on her tablet. She knew what happened next. 

Wash stirred slightly, the bandages wrapped around his throat made him look so much smaller. She hated seeing him like this. 

The beeping settled down and she looked back down. She hit replay. 

 

She watched as she stared off at agent Texas,

As the bullets flew into Maine's throat. 

As York floated away. 

As Tucker's visor stared blankly at her.

As She watched Caboose's closed door, hoping it would open-

She watched the sun set on the island- she skipped ahead.

She watched as the bullet flew through Wash's throat-

She hit replay. 

She watched as she swooped into the battle, two pairs of purple armor fighting by her side-

"What the fuck are you doing." 

Her head shot up and she saw Tucker standing in the doorway, he leaned lightly against the door as he stared at her: At the data pad held firmly in her fingers. He wasn't wearing his armor, and he looked uncomfortable about it. They had robbed them of the feeling of safety even when you weren't clad in full body armor too. 

"Searching old Data files." 

"What for?"

So I can remind my self how fucked up I am. That all of this is my fault. Because they're all dead and I'm not. 

She shrugged. "It's been a while since I've gone through them." 

Before she could stop him his arm had snatched out and stolen the data pad; "Tucker don't-" he was zooming through the feed his eyes flicking as the raced to take everything in. 

"What the fuck is this." 

Carolina was tired. 

"This is who I am." He stared at her, his oddly blue eyes contrasted against his dark skin and made his gaze even more piercing. She smiled. "My mistakes." 

"Carolina-" 

"All of this is my fault, Tucker. Everything that has happened is my fault! To my team- to Wash- to all of you! If I hadn't been so fucking blind- if I had just-"

"Shut the Fuck up, Carolina. So maybe you-" 

"You don't get it!" She hissed, feeling small as she sat there in the dark next to Wash, her power armor restricted, all of her access denied, told that she needed to rest. 

She wasn't a child.

"This- all of this- all of my friends are dead. Epsilon is gone. And I could have done something about it. You can't even understand, Tucker, you Don't get it-" 

"Boo fricken who." Tucker spat, his eyes narrowing. Carolina froze, she wasn't even sure if her brain could comprehend this sudden change in demeanor. 

"Excuse me?" 

"What's in the past is in the fucking past, and despite all of this fucked up evidence we've gathered says, you can't changed the past. Did you fuck up? Yeah! Yeah you fucked up real good. But we've all fucked up. Hell, I got my entire squad killed on my first mission- well except for Palomo, but who gives a fuck. Yeah Church is gone, yeah I stay up late fucking around just so I can keep the memory that my best friend is dead out of my head, but you know what, Agent Carolina? Do you know what the one thing you've said so far that that doesn't even have a salt of truth in it?" 

She stared at the freckles on Wash's hand. She wasn't weak, and she had spent most of her life proving that she wasn't. But she didn't want to meet his eyes. 

"You said that all of your friends are dead. But guess what Carolina, not all of them." She could hear something creeping up his throat that she didn't like. 

"Why do you always have to shut yourself away from the rest of us- back at the crash sight- when Church died-"

"I don't need a list, Tucker." 

"So maybe you don't need us, but we sure as hell needed you!" 

She rolled her head up to stare at the ceiling she could see the tears blurring up her vision and she hated it- she hated crying. 

"Tucker-" 

"No Carolina, you left us! If you had just tried we would have been there for you, but instead you just shut yourself off! Friendship goes both ways and sometimes I wonder what the fuck you're even doing here if you don't care about us enough to fucking look at us once in a while! All you do is sit and sulk and watch stupid videos and throw a fucking pity party for yourself while the rest of us just try our best to go on- and hell Carolina, Caboose didn't come out of his room for a week, didn't you care?" 

"Of course I cared-" Carolina spat, spinning her head to glare at him, their eyes meeting. She hated this. "But you don't need me! You have eachother! And I can't let you see see me like- like this- like I'm fucking weak. But I can't be strong all of the time, I can barely get out of my bed sometimes and I just want to close my eyes and make it all go away, but I can't, and I can't stand it when everyone looked at me and all they see is the fallen Agent Carolina of project Freelancer- that I'm not number one anymore, that I'm fucking weak-" 

Tucker shook his head, his eyes had lost their venom. "We didn't want you to be Agent Carolina. We just wanted you to be our friend." 

She sighed and turned away. "I want to- believe me I really fucking want to." Her voice came off softer than she had intended it to. "But think I lost that ability many years ago. I don't think I even know how to do that anymore." 

Slowly Tucker pulled another chair up to sit by the side of Wash's bed. He didn't look at Her.

"You can start by not telling me to leave." 

She noticed he was trembling and slowly she reached out a hand, offering it to him. "This something friends do, right?" She asked awkwardly. 

He looked down at her hand and slowly took it. "Yeah." 

She let out a long breath. She was so tired. Slowly she let her head rest against his shoulder. It felt nice to have human contact outside of the armor- she couldn't even remember that last time that had happened. 

But she didn't feel safe, she didn't even feel comfortable with the basic show of affection- but she didn't want to lose them too; and she was just so tired. Vaguely she was aware of Tucker humming softly. "What's that?" She asked.

"I don't know actually." He answered softly. "I used to sing it to Junior, and then to myself when I missed him. Wash over heard one time and he liked it. I just thought- I don't know. Maybe-" 

"Yeah." Carolina closed her eyes, the sight of Wash laying there imprinted into her brain. She was so tired and Tucker was so warm. "Maybe." 

 

A few hours later Wash woke up to find Tucker and Agent Carolina of Project Freelancer asleep and cuddling in the chair next to him.


End file.
